Why Many Successful Women Can’t Keep a Man

Do the professional challenges women face leave them with nothing to give in their intimate relationships?

by Kenny Pugh Posted: December 7, 2012

(Source: File)

The subject of the dating lives of professional black women include some of the most interesting debates that we entertain in today’s social circles. In my opinion, I believe we have made the issue a lot larger than what it truly is because of the many books, movies and workplace discussions that deal with the subject. The hurdles that professional black women face when tasked with qualifying the dating pool and, ultimately, keeping a man, are as follows:

They let media influence them – The media has truly influenced the perspectives of many professional black women. When a message is conveyed over and over again, it often positions the recipients to begin embellishing the statements as truth. You hear messages regarding the issues professional black women face in dating via radio shows, blogs and magazines and this prompts the discussions between friends, co-workers and results in the perpetual mindsets that now exist. The reality is no matter if the statistics state that 42.7 percent of African-American women are unmarried, women have to realize that it only takes meeting one man to place them in the 57.3 percent category. However, if a negative mindset is embraced, then experiences usually follow.

They carry dangerous misconceptions of men’s views – There is a misconception that men are intimidated by the educational, professional and financial statuses of successful black women. This is true when women are only exposed to groups of immature men who lack motivation. If this seems to be the norm, then I recommend doing something different in order to get exposure to new circles of men. There are groups of men who desire to be men of integrity. There are men who desire to be married. There are men who embrace the professional and educational pursuits of black women. There are men who desire to love women unconditionally. The common misunderstanding of black men is “black men are intimidated by successful black women.” The success isn’t what disconnects men and women it’s the perceived attitude that is associated with the professional success and education. If two people make each other feel valued, then the relationship will work despite an educational or professional gap. Genuine love bridges the widest of gaps and eases the deepest of insecurities.

They misunderstand the concept of value – Somewhere along the line of time our society lost the things that should be viewed and embraced as “valuable” in relationships. Say what you want, our grandparents were able to build long-lasting relationships not based on money, but on love and sacrifice, by having one another’s back through thick and thin. And by understanding that sacrifice will get you further than a master’s degree, home or diversified financial portfolio. When you need someone to hug, to vent to or sacrifice during your time of need, a person’s net worth is irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to have goals and pursue them, but not at the expense of losing a grip on what keeps relationships anchored.

Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in large metropolitan areas than in other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and widespread materialism that exists. Smaller cities don’t typically have the same level of competition and thus a different relationship mindset exists.

Professional black women in metropolitan areas face a separate set of challenges when dating, but much of it lies in the distance between their ears. A renewed mindset, confidence and an understanding of what is truly valued in relationships can make all the difference in dating and relationship experiences.

Kenny Pugh is a Life & Relationship Strategist, Author of ‘Can You Do It Standing Up?’, Associate Minister, Chat Kafe Radio Show Host, singles leader and sought-after speaker on singleness, relationships, finances and life. You can find more information about Kenny at http://www.kennypugh.com. You can follow him on Facebook at Kenny Pugh or on Twitter @mrkennypugh.

ACROSS THE WEB
  • http://twitter.com/veronicamarche Veronica Miller ☀

    This trope hasn’t died yet?

    • Jake

      ^Got no man

      • Neal Carter

        And you know Veronica’s relationship status personally “Jake” ???

  • visualg_nius

    ……

  • tressiemcphd

    Is he telling me that his job is being a singles’ “expert”? Are you serious?

    I have a trove of research that shows that black women are no more unhappily single that women of comparable education and income by COHORT than are other women. Do they teach social science methods at…singles expert school when one becomes a singles…expert?

    And shame on BE. You have no faux aspiring black middle class readership without black women. Using them to increase page views is cheap and disrespectful. This isn’t new, it isn’t novel, it isn’t sound, it’s nothing but a thinly-veiled attempt to, again, profit from the caricature of black women as unsuitable for relationships. It’s poor business on your part. I wouldn’t buy another issue of BE now if my life depending upon it. Nor would I, in any of my capacities as an academic, researcher, and network node, suggest BE to anyone else.

    • Jake

      you need to exhale

  • Neal Carter

    why is the misogynistic garbage on BE? consider my subscription canceled.

  • http://twitter.com/CelesteTheGreat Celestial Celeste

    hmm.. let’s see, so more than 57% of black women ARE married?? If MOST of us are married then why focus on the minority? Why is no one discussing black women who are becoming wives and building families?? I hope this conversation on the dating lives of black women dies down.

    • The Black TYE

      That why I started The Black Tye. Many of us, male and female, are living happy single, married, or family lives. TheBlakcTye.com talks about the good and suggests ways to make life better.

  • http://twitter.com/das_got_it das

    Very outdated article… I do think woman are more intelligent than this article leads on.. but At the same time there are some truths to it.. It’s way too generalized though

  • http://twitter.com/isitis JP Fairfield

    Seriously… another article telling black women what they are doing wrong… how many ways can we say “black women you are doing everything wrong in dating” before this trope dies out? Being married is not the end all be all to life! Everyone is so focus on black women being married no one haven’t bother to think do those women want to be married in the first place, do they even want to marry a man, or if being in a committed & healthy relationship is more important to them than having a piece of paper indicating their marital status.

  • missdk

    Would Kenny Pugh’s head explode if we informed him that quite a few of those black women *brace yourself* are gay?

  • tressiemcphd

    Thank God for GoodBlackMen(TM) like Kenny Pugh for telling black women how to get their collective acts together. May we all be so blessed. http://goodblackmentm.tumblr.com/post/37418208465/kenny-wants-you-to-do-it-standing-up-kenny-wants

  • Kirsten

    This article is garbage. And as a sucessful african-american woman with an african-american boyfriend, I can state that there is no truth to the non-sense within this piece. Perhaps you should reconsider your life endeavors and stop spewing this idiocy.

  • AttorneyChelle

    Ok, the title is definitely inflammatory (which is NOT the title the author actually submitted, by the way. BE took a little creative license here).

    Inflammatory title aside. Are some women (and men) not influenced by what we see in media? Are there possible misconceptions about men’s views on relationships? Do people never place value on the wrong things in relationships? As hard as it can be to hear, there is truth in Mr. Pugh’s main points.

    I AM a professional black woman. I am an attorney, an encourager of women, and a staunch supporter of women. Like other black women, I get tired of all the black woman bashing: why we’re least desirable, why so many are single, how we run our men to other races of women, blah, blah, blah. We get tired of getting beat down! It crushes and withers our spirit!

    BUT, this is not who Mr. Kenny Pugh is. I know this author personally, work with him often, and if no one else has enthusiastically supported me (and many other women) personally and professionally, he has. This guy intentionally surrounds himself with professional black women, and if he ever said anything “too far left” about women, he would SO get checked by his female inner circle! Anyone who reads his blog or listens to his show can quickly tell he is not anti- professional black woman. From all the prominent women he features on his show, you can deduce his admiration of capable black women.

    As women ( proud, empowered, professional women at that), can we really dismiss everything that’s said here? All of these things may not apply to you directly, but have you not seen any of these things before? …if not in you, in someone else? As hard as it is to hear, BOTH men and women must examine themselves, own their part in relationships, and consider if they can do something different to improve them.

    I do not like the title of this article, it definitely attempts to throw a condescending punch at professional women. However, I also do not like seeing a good man’s name being disparaged when he stands for something far different than what professional editors and “outraged” commentors have espoused.

    I live in Atlanta. I’ve SEEN black woman-bashing…and this “ain’t it”. Again, Black Enterprise imposed title aside, put his words in perspective: When it comes to relationships, don’t be overly influenced by the media, ask if you have misconceptions about what men think about women, consider if you put value on the right things in relationships….

    Take a look in the mirror, and if the shoe fits, let’s find new and better shoes for the journey. If it doesn’t fit, then professional black woman, pop on your stilettoes, and keep struttin’ with your head held high!

    • Anntonette

      I respect your comments and especially your support of defending a friend however the content of the article is far more offensive than the title, unless BE altered that too… I respect his opinion and the personal experiences that helped him come up with his points but he should have limited this article to his personal encounters and not blanket the article to “professional black women”. The points mentioned are not the issue (I agree with you, if you see yourself in them let’s improve) the offense is the audacity that the points mentioned are the struggles or setbacks of “professional black women” when it comes to fostering relationships (not true!). Personally I would love to see more men like Kenny encourage and mentor their brothers through articles and platforms like BE instead of over manipulating (non intentional or intentional) the female audience with relationship strategy.

  • valerie meritt

    Who cares? Why don’t you focus on unmarriageable black man or the fact that black men are less inclined to marry than anyother race of men or 73 percent between 25 and 29 never married. What is the obsession with the status of black women?

  • Tee

    -_______-

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  • Londondon

    I’m shocked and surprised that BE would allow this type of BS on their website or in their magazine. I strongly encourage all entrepreneurs to read Inc, Fast Company and Forbes, where you will NEVER see this kind of garbage in print.

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