Many relatively successful people suffer from a kind of survivors guilt,  which makes us feel obligated to give, pay and lend even when we can’t afford it. We literally give until it hurts, and then give some more. And unfortunately, such people are usually surrounded by family and friends, including parents and children, all too willing to take advantage.

One of the most important mental adjustments we must make as we begin to change our relationship with money and take responsibility for our financial health is to learn to just say no to chronic takers. Not “No, and…” or “No, but….” or “Maybe.” Just “No.” If you want to explain yourself, do it out of love, not obligation.

There is nothing wrong with helping friends and relatives during tough times, commensurate with the abundance you’ve been blessed with. However, you should give willingly, not out of obligation. And it is absolutely wrong for people to use your hard-earned resources as their emergency fund, or to treat you as a living ATM. Allowing them to do so leads to you putting your own financial stability at risk, often with no one to turn to in your time of need.

Never lend money that you cannot afford to give away. Even then, never lend without getting the borrower to sign a written agreement to repay the loan. This policy alone will reduce the number of loan requests you’ll have to deal with, especially if you make it clear that you won’t lend additional money until and unless outstanding loans are repaid, and that you’ll sue for your money if you have to.

Never co-sign on a loan, a car note, or other financial obligation, especially if you can’t afford to make the payments if the person you are co-signing for could later decide that they can’t or won’t. That goes double if that person is a family member, triple if the person is a romantic interest. Love has nothing to do with it. How many television judge shows do you have to watch before you realize that this is a recipe for disaster?

Never be pressured into spending out of guilt or to prove your love. Anyone who would make such demands, including children, parents, siblings, or romantic interests, does not care as much about you (at least not in that moment) as they do about what you can do for them. If money is what it takes to buy their love, you’ll never have enough.

There’s a difference between helping someone and carrying them. In fact, your constant help may be causing them to become even more weak and dependent, which is bad for them and you. Resist chronic takers who would exploit your generosity. Never let the G in your giving stand for guilt. As a wise person once lovingly told me: You can lean on me. But you can’t lay on me.

These days, the Martins (whose family has grown to include three children, Nathaniel, 9; Tariel, 7; and, Tyler, 4), sit down twice a month to discuss bills, payments, and future plans, but they are butting heads more than usual “like what we spend the money on,” the two agree. There also is an issue concerning paying bills. Tamela is strict about paying on time, while Omar is a little more carefree. When it comes to spending money, Tamela accuses Omar of frivolous buying. Meanwhile, Omar says the same about Tamela. A quick tally of the Martins’ savings and debt suggests they’re both right.

The Martins’ money habits have weakened the family’s financial health. They have high levels of debt and low savings. Between the two, there is $1,000 in their bank accounts. They are saddled with about $45,000 in credit card balances, student loans, and other unsecured consumer debt. ($23,000 of that belongs to Tamela and $22,000 to Omar). The Martins explain that a portion of these debts are the result of home repairs and medical costs for their daughter Tariel, who is a special needs child. In addition, they have two properties with mortgages totaling $282,640.

On paper the Martins, who are both 38, appear to have sufficient income to cover all of their debts and living expenses. Tamela is a manager for a government agency. Omar is a quality assurance auditor at a pharmaceutical company. Their total household income, including revenue from their rental property is $161,800. The Martins’ main issue: monthly debt payments of $5,618 are eating away 67% of their $8,370 net income. Factor in food costs and other household expenses, and it’s easy to see how they are living beyond their means.

To be fair, the Martins are not unlike many married couples struggling with enormous debt and learning to manage their finances as a cohesive unit. More than 40% of U.S. families spend more than they earn. According to the Federal Reserve, U.S. household debt, including mortgages and credit-card balances, stands at $11.7 trillion.

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It’s obvious to the Martins that they need to change. According to financial experts, money issues are the source of most disputes among married couples. “There is a commonly held perception that we don’t talk about money; actually, we talk about it all the time—we are just having the wrong conversation,” says Jacquette M. Timmons, author of Financial Intimacy: How to Create a Healthy Relationship With Your Money and Your Mate (Chicago Review Press; $14.95). Timmons, who is also the president of Sterling Financial Management, believes couples like the Martins need to have proactive discussions and plan actionable steps. “They have to see and make the connection between how their day-to-day actions affect the family’s long-term financial goals,” she adds.

Timmons suggests that the Martins not view the adjustments as “giving up” something, but more as a reallocation of their money.

The Advice
The Martins must agree on their financial priorities, reduce their spending, and focus on debt reduction and elimination. black enterprise formulated some steps to help the couple get back on track.

• Cut up your credit cards, create a budget, and stick to it. Many of their debts are carrying high interest rates as a result of late payments and poor credit history. Currently, the Martins have 17 accounts with rates as high as 29.99%. It is imperative that they work hard to pay their bills on time to help improve their credit scores, says Danny Freeman, principal adviser with Darda Financial Services in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. In doing so, the Martins may eventually get the opportunity to refinance their mortgage or shift balances to debt obligations that have lower rates.

• Build an emergency fund. Put the $2,000 contest winnings into a one-year CD; which could yield around 1.45%. With a CD, the money stays liquid while preventing the Martins from temptation to spend it. From there, the Martins should begin to transfer $83 each month from their checking account into an interest-bearing money market account, suggests Freeman. “The goal should be to save $1,000 as an emergency reserve over the next 12 months.” In year two, they should double the amount to $166 per month. This will give the Martins $3,000 in cash in 24 months (plus the CD). They should continue saving at this level until they accumulate a $15,000 fund for emergencies.

• Pay off debts in four years. Freeman says the Martins can eliminate all debt (outside of mortgages) in four years. Here’s how: The Martins should continue making minimum required payments but find $237 each month in the budget to pay off the Roamans and Lane Bryant accounts, which have the highest interest rates. This will free up another $40 per month. From there, apply $237 per month for three months to pay off the next highest interest rate: Fingerhut. In 120 days, the couple will have eliminated three accounts with interest rates in excess of 24%. At that point, the Martins should be able to apply $600 a month toward their Beneficial credit card. They can pay this card off in 21 months. Then, take that $600 plus $77 minimum required for Wells Fargo, and pay it off in four months. Later, apply that $677 plus another $70 to Capital One, paying it off in two months. Take the $747 previously paid on Capital One and apply it to the Home Depot account, paying it off in one month. Finally, take the roughly $805 that is now freed up by eliminating the aforementioned debts—which will take 28 months in total—and apply that money to pay off the remaining consumer debts.

• Focus on retirement savings. If they stick to the prescribed debt plan over the next four years, the  Martins can free up $1,389 in monthly cash flow to put toward their children’s education. In four years, the couple can apply $689 per month toward the 529 plans and a regular taxable investment account in their names. If the boys end up qualifying for scholarships and financial aid they can shift these funds to be used for their retirement. Assuming a retirement age of 62, the Martins should put the remaining $700 per month in Roth IRAs. Also, contribute to their 401(k) plans at work at a level high enough to get any company match. The Martins should be able to accumulate about $493,606, assuming an 8% annual return rate. This will generate a monthly income of $1,851 to $2,468 in addition to any amounts received from Social Security.

Shortly after graduating from the University of South Florida with a bachelor’s degree in communication in 2001, Small began pursuing his master’s degree in education. At the same time, he began to work for the university full-time as a recruiter and resident director, which required him to live on campus. He worked there until completing his master’s degree in 2004. Two perks came with the job: free room and board and free tuition. This idyllic situation freed up cash, allowing Small to purchase a 2001 Mitsubishi Gallant and pay the loan in full. He grew accustomed to the extra spending money and spent freely.

But those rent-free days are over for Small. He now lives in Knoxville, where he is working and pursuing a Ph.D. at the University of Tennessee. As an employee of the university his tuition is fully covered. Last June, he bought a three-bedroom, two-and-a-half-bath single-family home for $154,500 with the assistance of an FHA loan. (His 800 credit score helped him qualify.) Small is now responsible for a $1,178 monthly mortgage payment. But he still spends money as if his life hasn’t changed.

Small hasn’t adjusted his expenses to reflect his new obligations and he realizes it’s time to become strict about managing his money. “Because I don’t have credit card debt or a lot of expenses, there are things I splurge on that I could probably do without. Sometimes I overindulge,” says Small. Among the purchases he could eliminate are meals out (which run about $350 a month), a social club membership ($71 a month), and lawn maintenance ($70 a month).

Some of that carefree spending is coming to an end. Small says that after a year of being a homeowner he’s ready to be more disciplined about his finances.

The Advice
Gwendolyn V. Kirkland, a certified financial planner with Kirkland, Turnbo & Associates in Matteson, Illinois, helped Small develop a financial plan.

Develop a budget. Small does not have a written budget and it’s important for him to get his expenses on paper so that he can see exactly how much he is spending. “He needs to determine the amount going out and coming in. From there, he needs to figure out the areas that need to be reduced or eliminated,” says Kirkland. She recommends using budgeting software such as Quicken to assist with tracking expenses.

Cut out the extras. Small spends $350 a month on meals on and off campus because of his hectic work and school schedule. However, it would be in his best interest to cut back and make more meals at home. Small could also stand to get rid of the social club membership, which he says he’s only used twice in the last two years. He also says he could cut his own lawn. Making these changes would add more than $300 a month to his savings.

Increase savings. Small recently started saving 10% to 15% of his monthly take-home pay and has about three months worth of living expenses saved. Considering the economy and his responsibilities as a homeowner, he should have at least six to eight months saved. He’ll need to add another $8,000 to $13,000, which would give him about $21,000 in reserves. He should use the $2,000 contest winnings to build this account.

Work toward increasing retirement contributions. After Small builds up his cash reserve, he should start to increase his retirement savings. He places $50 a month into his 401(k), (for which he receives a 100% match), and $150 a month into his 403(b). Small recently started contributing to his 401(k) when he started working with his current employer two years ago. The 403(b) is a rollover from his previous employer. However, he should increase his retirement savings to about $600 a month.

Diversify retirement portfolio. Small is investing 100% in stocks in both his 403(b) and 401(k). “In order to participate fully in the markets, Mr. Small would want to diversify and include a percentage of fixed-income investments in his portfolio. The fixed-income investment percentage would give him another asset class besides the equity markets,” says Kirkland. Small should invest at least 30% in bonds in both his retirement and savings accounts. Kirkland makes this conservative recommendation because of the current economic climate.

Small has the following in his 403(b): 38% large cap, 14% mid cap, 16% small cap, 26% global and international equity, and 4% specialty. Kirkland recommends 10% to 15% global, 10% to 20% small cap, and 5% to 10% specialty. As far as large and mid, she recommends that he stay within the same range. Kirkland suggests that Small look into a bond index or a corporate bond fund for the remainder of his portfolio. In his 403(b) Small has: 70% in a Fidelity Contra Fund and 30% in a Fidelity International Discovery Fund. Kirkland recommends that 30% of Small’s portfolio be in bonds.

Obtain long-term care insurance. Small has $110,000 in term life insurance through his employer as well as long- and short-term disability. Kirkland suggests that Small also obtain long-term care insurance, which would provide assistance in the event of a catastrophic illness or an event where extended care is needed.

This story originally appeared in the September 2009 issue of Black Enterprise magazine.