Are you having a hard time being heard at work? Do you find yourself nagging your spouse and children about the same old-same old with few or no results? According to Michael P. Nichols, author of The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships (The Guilford Press; $16.95), the key to being heard is less talking and more listening.
“Most of us think we’re better listeners than we are,” says Nichols, a professor of psychology at the College of William & Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia. “Listen with the intent to understand what the other person is saying rather than to respond. This is particularly important if you’re interested in getting the other person to see your point of view.”
“There’s a difference between listening and hearing,” says Madelyn Burley-Allen, author of Listening: The Forgotten Skill: A Self-Teaching Guide (John Wiley & Sons; $18.95) and founder of Dynamics of Human Behavior (www.dynamics-hb.com). According to Burley-Allen, there are three levels of listening. Level three, the lowest, is where people tend to tune in and out of a conversation and are more focused on forming rebuttals and getting their own point across.
Sophfronia Scott, a Connecticut-based life coach and author, recalls working with a client we’ll call Vanessa. Vanessa had a very demanding boss. When her boss asked her to set up a meeting with a team of consultants to help drum up new ideas, Vanessa interpreted the meeting as proof that she was being judged inadequate and purposely neglected to set up the meeting. This caused her boss to become irate. Vanessa was so intent on proving to her boss that she was creative and capable that she resisted her boss’s attempts to make her job easier. Scott ultimately helped Vanessa realize her responsibility in the situation — she had ignored her boss’ instructions by failing to listen to, and correctly interpret, what she had been asked to do. Scott helped Vanessa acknowledge that listening is a two-way street.
Nichols coached a client who also experienced a similar dilemma with his supervisor, but with different results. Nichols’ client was a mid-level manager whose supervisor would invite him to meetings to give reports. After each report, the supervisor would argue about it with Nichols’ client and essentially override him. “I told my client that his boss’ agenda was to make sure his own ideas and opinions were heard, rather than just accept what was being presented,” says Nichols. “I suggested that when he presented his reports, his first agenda should be to draw his boss out, to get his boss to express his point of view.” Nichols surmised that once his client’s supervisor felt he was being heard, his client would be able to present his reports without interruption or attack. “It worked beautifully,” says Nichols.
Level two listening occurs when you are listening to words but not acknowledging the speaker’s intent. “At level two, the speaker may be lulled into a false sense of being listened to and understood,” says Burley-Allen. Level two listening can lead to dangerous misunderstandings.
It is often why there are miscommunications between black employees and white employers. “African Americans put things through a lot of filters,” explains Scott. “We often come into conversations not feeling ‘good enough.’ But if we pay attention to what’s going on, we take the pressure off ourselves and are better able to really listen to what’s going on in the conversation.” This may encourage our white employers and colleagues to see past their own biases and filters.
Becoming a good listener requires practice — after writing his book, Nichols acknowledges that he is painfully aware of needing to improve his own listening skills. But according to Burley-Allen, the payoffs of becoming a level one listener are worth it. Level one listening is compassionate and trust-building. When you achieve this level, you say to the speaker that you care enough about them to really listen to what they’re saying. “You’re not coming to the conversation with your own biases but are being empathetic to the other person’s point of view,” Burley-Allen says.
Listening involves more than simply tuning in to words, says Michele Pierce, founding director of the Harriet Tubman Charter School in New York. “Nonverbal communication is very important,” she says. “It is very important to be aware of what is not being said. When I meet with students or parents, I sit up straight — it shows attentiveness — and I make direct eye contact and lean in to the person I’m speaking with.”
So, the next time you and your boss come to an impasse, tune in, not out. And instead of nagging your spouse about taking out the garbage, try engaging him or her in a conversation about their workday and daily responsibilities. You may find that a little conversation and acknowledgment of his or her side of the story is all it takes to get that trash out to the curb.
5 KEYS TOEFFECTIVE LISTENING
blackenterprise.com : BLACK ENTERPRISE : march 2005
- Want to become a better listener? These five tips will help you reach that goal and become a more effective communicator. “Decide that the encounter is about your listening to what the other person is going to say,” says Nichols. Scott reminds her clients to be present in conversations and aware of inside noise — are you really listening or are you thinking about what you’re going to say after the speaker has finished?
- Invite the other person to express what he or she has to say while you do nothing but listen. “Listen from the heart,” says Pierce. “We judge so much when we listen to others. When you make up your own story about a person, you’re not really listening.”
- Let the person know what you think they were trying to say. According to Scott, paraphrasing what the speaker is saying lets him or her know that you’re actively listening.
- Invite the other person to correct your impression or to elaborate on your point of view — the point is not to make them repeat themselves, but to extend the conversation. Ask questions, says Scott. “Get more details, make them go deeper into the story. If you’re in a meeting with your boss, for example, figure out what role you play in the story and ask how you can help.”
- Postpone, whenever possible, discussing your own point of view, particularly in contentious situations. By refraining, you enable the speaker to feel that he or she is being heard and acknowledged. And this may make him or her more open to listening to your point of view.