Dear Fairygodmentor®,
My manager’s expectations are unrealistic — and I’m afraid of being labeled ‘difficult’ as a Black woman leader. How do I push back without pushing myself out the door?
-Not Difficult but Determined
Dear Difficult but Determined,
The struggle is real! As Black women, we’re praised for our resilience but often penalized for our resistance. We’re expected to overdeliver without complaint, while knowing that pushing back couldyou as being “difficult,” “aggressive,” or (my all-time ‘favorite’) “angry.”
Being in the workplace is like walking a tightrope daily, blindfolded, looking down at a field of career-ending landmines. Let’s take off that blindfold to help you navigate this space we call the workplace.
Here are some actions you can take to set expectations that meet reality during your next one-on-one session without being pushy.
Set the Intention of Collaboration and Support. I’ve sha
red this idea many times, but it begs repeating. Set the intention of collaboration and support. When you set the intention of collaboration and support right off the bat, it should put your manager at ease that you’re working with them and not against them. Always keep the best interests of the business and its success in mind. If the expectations are unrealistic, ask yourself what tools, resources, or actions from your manager would best set you up for success so that the business ultimately benefits.Actively Listen. I don’t know what specific requests they will be sharing at the next meeting, but I can tell that you’re developing stress and anxiety around this. When we stress ourselves out, our ears shut down, and we immediately go internal. It’s going to be hard to do…but listen. And while you’re listening, take notes so you can check for understanding and be clear on what’s being said by repeating back what you’ve heard.
“So what I hear you saying is…”(repeat what was said) to clarify that you’re on the same page.
Some other examples:
“So when you said…, would it be fair to say that you meant…and felt…?”
“Have I understood correctly that when I did…, you felt…?”
Checking for understanding isn’t pushing back. It’s ensuring that you and your manager are on the same page, strategy-wise.
Show Receipts. It’s helpful to have supporting evidence of unrealistic expectations. If you can measure time spent, productivity, profit loss, etc., due to these requests, show the proof. Low productivity results in a loss of profits. That’s a huge red flag to leadership. Sometimes it helps to paint the picture for them so they can see the impact of these unrealistic expectations. Leaders come to the table with solutions. Request support or extra resources to assist you with these tasks or requests.
Fix Your Face. Sometimes when we’re receiving information—especially if it’s not positive —we can find ourselves internally shouting back, imagining what to say next, scrunching up our faces, rolling our eyes, sighing… be aware of your non-verbal cues. THIS is KEY! All of these non-verbal actions not only show defensiveness but also continue to perpetuate the stereotype that we are an angry Black woman. And don’t smile unless you mean it. Smirking isn’t cute. I find it a best practice to enlist a Fix Your Face Buddy who can help keep an eye on you during calls or in-person meetings to help you keep your branding right and tight.
Push Back Powerfully and Professionally. You’ve heard that old saying, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” That is key when communicating your boundaries. Always put the best interests of the business in mind. This keeps the conversation on the professional and not the personal.
Pushing back in peace can sound like:
• “I want to make sure I deliver this well. Given my current workload, what other priorities would you suggest we shift so I can give this the attention it deserves?”
• “Help me understand how this fits against the goals we outlined for this quarter so I can organize my work appropriately.”
• “To execute this at the level you’re expecting, I’ll need either additional time or support. Which would you prefer?”
If called out to add more to your plate in a team meeting setting:
• “To deliver that well, we’ll need to revisit the timeline or resources.”
• “I can absolutely take that on. What should I move to make space for it?”
• If someone low-key questions your judgment: “Can you say more about that?” “What about my actions is giving you pause?”
Reclaiming your boundaries is a leadership skill, not a liability.
You’re not being pushy but persistent in maintaining your professionalism and productivity for the organization.
Keep your head up, Queen!
You got this!
Yours truly,
Your Fairygodmentor®
About Joyel Crawford:
Joyel Crawford is an award-winning career and leadership development professional and founder of Crawford Leadership Strategies, a consultancy that empowers results-driven leaders through coaching, training, and facilitation. She’s the best-selling author of Show Your Ask: Using Your Voice to Advocate for Yourself and Your Career.
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