“At 14, I was a drug-addicted alcoholic; now I’m clean and sober for 23 years. At 18, I was a high school dropout; now I’m a graduate of Georgetown University Law Center. At 21, I was a call girl, paying lawyers to keep me out of jail; now I am a successful lawyer, a successful businesswoman, and a loving wife. At 26, I was hit by a car and told I’d never walk again; in my forties I ran two marathons. At 28, all I could think about was what’s in it for me; now, at 50, I’m an active participant in my community.”
So begins Francine Ward’s new book, Esteemable Acts: 10 Actions for Building Real Self-Esteem (Broadway Books; $23.95). The book grew out of Ward’s extensive lecturing on the power of self-esteem, and hard-won lessons learned throughout her own courageous life. Now president and CEO of nCompliance Inc., a Mill Valley, California-based training and consulting firm, which specializes in copyrights, trademarks, and employment law issues, Ward strongly believes that it is choice, not chance, that defines our destinies. The following is an excerpt from her chapter, “The Gift of Choice.”
One of life’s greatest gifts comes when we realize we have the power to make our own choices and therefore direct our lives. The idea that you can control what happens to you is liberating, yet at the same time, it can be a powerfully frightening experience because with choice comes responsibility.
Self-esteem is about making choices for yourself and being accountable for them. Everyday we are faced with a myriad of choices, and each choice, regardless of the outcome, moves us closer to or farther away from real and lasting self-esteem.
What’s a right choice and how do you know if you are making one? A right choice is a decision you make because your intuition tells you it’s the right option for you, regardless of what other people say, or what your Other Voice tells you. Your Other Voice is the voice that doesn’t always have your best interests at heart. That voice is more interested in having fun than in doing what’s right for you.
Your Other Voice, when given half a chance, convinces you that a right choice is wrong or that a wrong choice is perfectly okay. It’s the voice of justification. But regardless of how loud your Other Voice may be, you always know the right answer. You might pretend not to hear it, but that’s the voice that keeps rising to the surface.
Many things limit your choices to a greater or lesser degree: your feelings, other people’s judgments, other people’s power, family commitments, lack of money, and restricted time are just a few. Another is victimhood.
Victimhood is an appealing place to live. When you’re in the victim mode, you get sympathy, you’re the center of attention, you have a valid excuse for not taking responsibility for your feelings or your actions, little is expected of you, and you feel justified in being depressed. It’s the easier, softer way to live for many of us.
For years I used being black, being female, and growing up poor as excuses for feeling like a victim. Whenever anyone would listen, I’d share my sad sob story. And I used that as an excuse to be angry — all the time. Unquestionably, my life has been challenging, but at what point did I have a responsibility to turn my condition around? At what point did I have a responsibility to recognize that I helped to create some of what happened to me because of the choices I made?
The Keys to a Successful Self
When we choose to relinquish our right of choice, we are making a choice. Making no decision is making a decision to give someone else the power, and the problem with that is we rarely like the choices others make for us. [Even if] the feelings that led you to play the part of the victim are valid, eventually you must make the decision to move on with your life. It’s an esteemable act to make right choices and leave victimhood behind.
Reprinted from Esteemable Acts: 10 Actions for Building Real Self-Esteem by Francine Ward. Copyright © 2003 by Francine Ward with permission of Broadway Books, a division of Random House. Log on to blackenterprise.com/ books to order a copy.
Recognize your right to choose. Whether a decision must be made immediately or you are given the time to sort it through, remember that you always have the right to choose, and you must be accountable for those choices. If you are having difficulty making a decision, be specific in identifying what gets in your way and be as honest as you can in identifying the barriers between you and making the right choice.
Write it out. Thinking things through is the first step, but writing helps you gain insight and clarity. Somehow, when you put your thoughts on paper, it makes them more real. When you keep things in your mind, it’s easier to deny them.
Ask questions. The average person is afraid to ask questions. Yet, doing so is a surefire way to avoid misunderstandings and it buys you some thinking time. It will help you understand what your choices are. Have the courage to walk through the fear of what others will think of you.
Seek counsel. Talk to a trusted friend who will give you useful, honest guidance. Having an objective perspective can help you make sense of a seemingly senseless situation. The very act of sharing your thoughts or problems with another person can make you feel better because you don’t feel alone in the decision-making process.
Don’t act out of fear. Fear can powerfully restrict your choices. Fear compels you to make choices that keep you out of harm’s way. But safe and easy choices are not necessarily the right ones.
Trust your inner voice. This requires practice, courage, and patience. Knowing the difference between right and wrong is not complicated — it just requires a willingness to listen to that inner voice, then to act on what it tells you.
Just do it! Ask yourself, What can you do right now in this moment to move closer to making better choices? What one action are you willing to take right now? Whatever you do, it’s important that you do something. Commit to one thing before moving to the next action. Just do it.
Of course it’s easier said than done, but you can train yourselfto make better choices. Here are some of Ward’s suggestions: