I have been a die-hard fan of reality TV since the early seasons of MTV’s The Real World. (Well, at least until they started doing those “challenges” and mixing casts.) But the latest escapades have me a little less likely to admit to that (publicly) anymore.
The latest bruhaha over the recent ratchet (love that word) activities of the ladies on VH1’s Basketball Wives, has me reconsidering. The series has been full of dramatic catfights from day one, starting with verbal battles between cast members—each lady seems to get a turn—and ending with water throwing and Twitter beefs.
We all know that a major theme— and obvious ratings draw — is the she-said-she-said drama, which has now escalated into the form of what people are calling adult bullying.
I have to be honest, I’d never really acknowledged the term for grown women who consistently belittle and threaten—and sometimes exercise— bodily harm on another adult until the latest recurring incidences of purse-hostage-holding antics, dinner table confrontations and Kentucky Derby throw downs. When the words “adult bully” were mentioned this morning, I initially raised a skeptical eyebrow.
All the talk, debate, discussion and finger-pointing about the prevalence of adult bullying on reality TV had me thinking about everyday incidences of bullying that happen not only in the home, but on the commute to work and in the workplace.
Though the hot topic centers around reality TV (which is never really reality), bullying among adults is definitely a more common occurrence than people think. In an economic climate where many are walking around harboring issues that stem from underemployment, financial difficulties and piling bills, there can be a lingering fog of anger, resentment and bitterness that follows workers from the commute to the desk. Add to that issues such as undiagnosed personality disorders and insecurities stemming from childhood and adult traumas, and you have the perfect breeding environment for adult bullying.
That boss who uses disrespectful and demeaning language when addressing employees: BULLY.
That competitor who keeps badmouthing your company via social media: BULLY.
That sistergirl on the train who bumped you, didn’t say, ‘Excuse me,’ and had the nerve to look back like, ‘What you gonna do?’: BULLY
The dude on the basketball court who always wants to get into an altercation when he’s “fouled” (or the dude excessively fouling): BULLY
The coworker who keeps talking over you as you present an idea, who takes your ideas as their own, and who spreads unsavory office gossip about you: BULLY
That girl who, after a couple shots of Patron, is cussing out every girl who accidentally steps on her foot in a crowded club: BULLY
That friend/family member who consistently verbally (and sometimes physically) lashes out when you don’t agree with them on something they say or want to do: BULLY
Because I’ve worked many years to build my self esteem, (and I also have a very strong, sometimes no-nonsense personality), I can thankfully say, I’ve never been bullied as an adult.
I learned, after a childhood of being on both sides of the coin (getting bullied as a kindergartener by a classmate every day and becoming a teen part of a tight-knit circle of high achievers, who would witness — and come to the defense of — someone being bullied), that you teach people how to treat you and sometimes you have to stand up for yourself when appropriate.
(It also helped that I was supported and protected by a large family of solid folk who would be the first people at the schoolyard advocating for me and my safety, and the first to encourage and teach me self-defense.)
Growing up, I’d be the one on the “good side” of the bully, enough that I wasn’t a victim and could maybe even intervene when that bully tried to pick on someone in my presence. I’d find out, via a weird I-won’t-beat-you-down-for-now
relationship, that maybe they come from a broken home, were victims of abuse themselves or had issues with their mental health. (Those same kids, who don’t get help, grow into adults who exhibit the same schoolyard behaviors because sadly, it’s the only way they know to express themselves and resolve conflicts.)As an adult, I have been able to combat even the threat of bullying with a “you will not and cannot try that with me” demeanor. In life— and especially as a woman in an business world dominated by men— you often have to be assertive, set a tone and ensure that you are not being walked over, disrespected or mistreated. You have to be able to take on what might be seen as aggressive, pushy and sometimes disrespectful behaviors using emotional intelligence, else you’re told you’re too emotional, can’t cut it or are weak.
(You also have to be sure you’re not inadvertently being a bully in your plight to advance and that you professional check those who need to be checked.)
Aggressive confrontation should always be a last resort, especially in a professional setting, however, I’m not a fan of just sitting by while someone continues to seek to diminish the greatness that I have to offer the world. I always remember a quip from my cousin, who told me as a crying kid upset about a classmate trying to belittle me: “If she says, “You think you’re cute,” you look her dead in her face and say, “I AM.”
For those who are victims of workplace bullying, take back your power. Speak up for yourself, whether it’s through a mediation with a third party such as your human resources director, or an informal powwow to let someone know you won’t tolerate the nonsense. Consult a mentor outside of your company to find ways of addressing a workplace bully or a less confrontational, but direct strategy of letting your voice be heard. If all else fails, you have the power to keep it moving to a better environment where your happiness and safety are priorities.
If you’re the one exhibiting bully behaviors, it may be time to evaluate some negative factors in your life or past, and seek counseling or psychiatric help.
Reality TV is what it is: Entertainment (which for some, has gone a bit too far). In the real world, we all have to make a living and be secure in the fact that we deserve a safe environment in which to do so. Don’t let bullying be the reason for your professional, social or financial demise, whether you’re the victim or the aggressor. The drama, brand damage, professional regression—and sometimes even, jail time—is something you have the power to reverse or avoid altogether.