Pschologyist Warns Parents Not To Tell Children They Can Be Anything

A psychologist says parents may better prepare children for success by having honest conversations about fear, setbacks, skills, and growth.

For generations, parents have offered children a familiar piece of encouragement: ‘You can do anything you put your mind to.’ But psychologist Juli Fraga says that message may do more harm than good.

“If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything,” is “one of the most common lies I hear parents in my psychotherapy practice tell their kids,” Fraga wrote in a recent CNBC report.

The problem, according to Fraga, is not encouragement. It is the implication that effort alone can guarantee an outcome — whether that outcome is becoming a pop star, landing on the moon, or going to an Ivy League school.

“Most of the time, though, these parents don’t even realize they’re relaying a false message,” Fraga wrote on LinkedIn.

For families thinking about the long game, that distinction matters. Career development, entrepreneurship, and financial success rarely follow a straight line. Skills must be developed, opportunities can be limited, and setbacks are part of the process. Fraga, who has spent more than 20 years working with parents, warns that an excessive focus on outcomes can reinforce “external motivation,” in which a child’s drive is tied to praise, grades, trophies and other rewards that may not be fully within their control.

Instead, the focus should shift toward helping children navigate challenges. That can mean acknowledging that a new experience is scary, validating disappointment and showing children that falling short of a goal does not mean they have failed. It can also mean parents sharing their own experiences with setbacks, missed opportunities and changing course. Rather than selling children a fantasy of guaranteed success, she says parents can encourage ambition while also helping young people understand their strengths, develop skills, and recognize that progress does not always produce immediate rewards.